Imagined Abandonment

If there is one thing that is going to guarantee I have an emotional tail spin it is abandonment.

Right at the top of the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is this;

• frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

For me the key word in that description is "imagined".  We can all understand the distress abandonment can cause, it makes perfect sense.
But the issue arises when it dictates relationships and personal well being.

I have been happily married for 15years now, we have never had an argument, he has always been my biggest cheerleader and support. He has never shown me anything but utter devotion.
Yet..
Today my husband has been feeling a little subdued. Not ill. Not angry. Just a little quiet.
My reaction?
Rapid thought deterioration, spiralling mood and feelings of loss.
Slightly out of proportion to the non event of him being a little quiet.

I know it is out of proportion. Logically I know he is not about to pack his bags and leave, yet I am consumed with the fear of being left. If I don't get some DBT skills working pretty quickly this emotional downturn, for me, can keep falling till it reaches thoughts of self harm.

So today I have;
Acknowledged the feeling and accepted that this has occurred and that I am feeling vulnerable. I must learn to be accepting of emotions even when they are difficult. Acceptance means simply acknowledging that in this moment this is how I am feeling. This can be really difficult as our first reaction is often to try and "brush off" something if we think logically it makes little sense.
 Dr Steven Hayes says "Struggling with emotions is like being in a tug of war with a huge, strong monster"  (sourced from "The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide" details in resources section)
Its important to remember that acceptance is an action. It isn't passive, it requires effort.
It helped today to calmly say out loud, "I am feeling...."
It has also helped to write, I have always found writing to be cathartic.
I have also used Distraction as a tool.
Distraction is simply that, of keeping your mind busy, not as a way of forgetting but as a way of distracting the mind to another source. So I watched a little TV (in moderation, this is not avoidance).
I have also done a few household chores and started a new sudoku. While doing these things I was paying attention to the ebb and flow of feelings emotions accepting them along the way too.
The biggest lesson I have learned today is that of compassion. Compassion that the Borderline in me was having a struggle and that was OK. Thoughts and feelings can be strong, and can feel overwhelming but  remember feelings are not facts.

Thanks for reading.