My Secret

I'm going to let you in on my secret, it is hidden most the time, and hidden badly at other times. Please handle it gently it is precious to me.

My secret is that I'm feeling desolate, empty, devoid, barren, lost, confused, hopeless...
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) feels like my final hope, and I hear it helps. But what if it doesn't?
I have a persistent nagging feeling that this hard slog, they call DBT is going to be pointless.
I have been told several times that DBT is not a miracle cure, that I will still have Borderline Personality Disorder when I'm done with the programme, that I will still be highly emotional and have bouts of depression.

A lady I have never met has completed DBT, she is working towards discharge from service. She is still "struggling" and finds life "difficult".
So why go through this gruelling process if difficult and struggling is the goal?
I can do difficult and struggling pretty well already, except now I'll have a whole new load of guilt to add to the mix. Guilt that once again I attended therapy with hope and it didn't "work", that I, yet again, didn't try hard enough.

My secret is that all this... all this work... all this fighting... all this hope is for nothing. I don't know if I could survive that.
It would be crushing.

I carry this secret close, yet hoping, that someday really soon it will fly away and leave me in peace.

I don't want to talk about the secret. I don't want to even acknowledge that you now know my secret. I'm hoping that by scattering it a little it will disperse and loose some of its power, some of its choking hold.

Thank you for listening